To the editor:
I have endured countless programs of “news and variety shows”. Ironically, they all claim to be the “most watched” show. I have experienced a nagging sensation that I am missing something. It occurred to me that, apparently, these commentators all receive their speech training from the same school.
And then, even more amazingly, they seemed to remind me of the mannerisms of a particular animal. I could not place the animal. As an astute student of human nature, this void in my memory bothered me. Then, one day, when my incredible granddaughter came to visit, she brought her pet gerbil, “Skippy” along. Instantly, I recognized the resemblance.
As I thought of the commentators’ speech process, the likeness to Skippy was oblivious. The chopped sentences, the words running together, the always flashing teeth, the gushing friendliness, the all knowing attitudes. The ability to use up hundreds of words while saying absolutely nothing.
It would seem to me that, since gerbils can naturally stand erect on their hind legs, they merely need to learn to speak something resembling English. I see no reason why we could not then have real gerbils as commentators. Would that not be more realistic? Yes, I understand how silly this letter is. I wish to make it clear that I mean no disrespect to Skippy or any of his, I’m sure, incredibly large family. I understand there is nothing more vicious than an irritated gerbil. Thanks for listening.
Bobby Clardy
Toccoa